How Pursuing Perfection Sucks the Joy Out of Midlife

If finding joy in midlife feels elusive, you might think it’s because you have responsibilities you weren’t prepared for. Things like caring for an aging parent, helping a struggling adult child, or managing your health and wellness.

These and other challenges can add up to some not-so-joyful midlife moments.

But you know it’s possible to find joy in the middle of life’s toughest assignments – after all, you’ve done it before!

So, what’s really going on?

If it’s not the unexpected difficulties of midlife robbing your joy, what is?

It could be the mistaken belief that there’s a perfect way to navigate this season. Are you stuck in the perfection trap?

Let’s talk about how pursuing perfection sucks the joy out of midlife and what you can do to stop it from stealing yours.

Falling for Perfection’s False Promise

I fell for the false promise of perfection early and hard.

It happened the first time a teacher handed me back a paper in class with 100%! Perfect! A+! written across the top.

Her comments were meant to encourage me, and the teacher had the best intentions. And after all, how was she to know that the zing of accomplishment I felt in that moment would zip through me like a drug?

The approval I felt seemed like a message from above that perfection was the path to acceptance and praise. It told me that if I pursued perfection, I would be OK. I was hooked.

Fast forward to my life, where pursuing perfection affected almost everything – from how I looked to how I raised my kids to how I performed on my job.

I was always looking for that hit of approval that came from others thinking I had done something perfectly.  And the pride I felt when I believed it, too.

Getting Stuck in the Perfection Trap

Now, in reality, we all know that perfect is an impossible goal.

So, what was happening behind the scenes was that I was missing that perfect mark all the time. Of course I was!

But instead of helping me learn that perfection was not a healthy or even attainable goal – I had two reactions when I fell short of my pursuit of perfection.

The first one was I just needed to try harder. I would double down and go for it again and again and again. Exhausting, right?

The second reaction was a sense of shame I felt over falling short. That shame would cause me to hide and not be honest, not be vulnerable and never ask for help.

I built a wall around me that said: “I need to be perfect so other people will see me as someone valuable, someone to admire, someone they can love.”

I lived that way for so long that when I finally realized I’d been chasing after something that was literally impossible, I was at a loss about what to do next.

But the answer came one day in a seminary class.

Before I share that answer, why am I telling you this now? How does any of this apply in midlife?

Why Perfection is the Enemy of Finding Joy in Midlife

Midlife is a time for exploring new ideas and trying new things.

You can’t simply continue down the path you’ve been on because the things you were working towards, those things you’ve shined to seeming perfection, have changed – whether you wanted them to or not.

This can be a tough transition. You don’t want to give up the picture-perfect life you worked so hard to build.

It doesn’t help to know that it will probably be a bumpy, imperfect ride until you find your way.

This means pursuing perfection in midlife hits you with a double whammy: it keeps you stuck in the past and makes you fearful of the future.

Pursuing Perfection Sucks the Joy Out of Aging

When it comes to aging, pursuing perfection makes you worry about everything that happens to your aging body – the lines, the wrinkles and the sagging skin.

All the things that are far from perfect in the eyes of the world. The things we’re conditioned to feel ashamed of or apologetic about because we no longer measure up.

It’s an impossible goal. You can’t attain perfection in aging because no amount of effort or money will keep you looking young forever, no matter what the internet promises.

Chasing perfection keeps you from embracing the natural, normal things happening to your body.

Pursuing Perfection Damages Midlife Relationships

Pursuing perfection hurts your relationships in midlife because it keeps you from talking about tough topics and making necessary changes.

I work with women all the time who find expressing themselves challenging because they fear making someone angry or upset if they don’t say the right thing.

I hear from moms with adult kids who need to talk about when it’s time for them to move out or how to stop relying on parents for financial support. And women who need to talk to aging parents about health concerns and planning for future care.

But because they’re waiting to find the perfect words, they often don’t say anything, and their relationships suffer.

When conversations feel hard, do you hesitate to speak up because you don’t have the perfect words?

OK. So, what can you do about this?

How do you keep the pursuit of perfection from sucking the joy out of finding your new purpose, aging with confidence, and growing satisfying relationships in midlife?

The solution came to me in my first seminary class.

The Surprising Secret to Finding More Joy in Midlife

I was 50 years old and still felt like if I doubled down and quietly pursued perfection, I could be successful. I would gain the esteem of my colleagues and step into a role that I believed God wanted me to fill.

So, when I sat in one of my first classes and heard the department chair tell aspiring ministry leaders that their aim should never be perfection but to only strive for good enough, oh my goodness, did my defenses go up.

Here’s what Dr. Lim said that day: “I encourage you to run your life like I run mine. I want to know that I’ve been a good enough father and a good enough husband. That I’ve been a good enough professor and a good enough therapist. When I can say my efforts are good enough, I can rest and enjoy my life.”

Could Giving Up on Perfect Really Be the Answer?

Honestly, I was a little bit dumbfounded. I wondered how anybody in the world could live like that. To me, good enough was the equivalent of giving up.

Good enough is something you say when you’re working on a home improvement project where the wallpaper doesn’t quite line up, and you think to yourself, “That’s good enough.”

Or, when you’re having a bad hair day and you throw on a headband and think, “Meh, good enough.”

But here’s what Dr. Lim went on to explain.

“If you pursue perfection in one area of life, then all your attention, time and energy is laser-focused on that thing. Then, because perfection is never truly possible, not only will you inevitably fall short on the one thing, but everything else in life suffers, too.

But if you aim for good enough in all things and humbly accept your limitations, you can live a life filled with goodness, joy and peace.”

Good Enough is Better Than Perfect for Finding Midlife Joy

Now, if you’re a recovering perfectionist like me, you may wonder what living like this means.

It means going to bed at night and thinking, “I was good enough today. I tried to be a good listener and I tried to share my heart honestly. I tried to be encouraging, and I tried to love the way that God has asked me to love others.”

Good enough is the way God intended us to live.

Now, how do I know that’s true (aside from my trust in Dr. Lim)? OK, I do have some biblical proof.

Think about when God created the heavens and the earth. Go back and read those verses in Genesis and look for what God says each time He finishes that day’s creation.

In all His perfection, when He looked at what He’d made, he could have said it was perfect. But instead, he said it was good – even very good. But he never said this is perfect.

He knew there was room for change, growth, and improvement. For more love, for more abundance.

Don’t Settle for Less Than Good Enough in Midlife

When you believe something is perfect, you’re saying it doesn’t need anything else. You don’t need to make any more effort. You don’t need to listen; you don’t need to change. There’s nothing more to do on this particular project.

Now, if that project happens to be your relationships, that’s not a good thing. If that project happens to be what you decide to do for the rest of your life, whether you have 30, 40 or 50 years left to live, also not a good thing.

Because if you think what you’re doing now is perfect and there’s no need for any change, you won’t be able to fulfill, enjoy, and experience all that God has for you.

This is why the pursuit of perfection will suck the joy out of midlife.

It will keep you stuck in a place where you’re afraid to try new things. In a spot where you feel that you’re falling short and that you need to hide the fact that you’re not performing at a level you think you should be.

It will keep you from having heart-to-heart conversations because you think you don’t have the perfect words.

So, I encourage you to take the advice of my wise seminary professor.

Instead of pursuing perfection in midlife, an unattainable goal filled with false promises, aim for good enough.

Because there’s no perfect way to do midlife.

Don’t let pursuing perfection rob you from finding joy in the second half of life. Aim to be a good enough mom, wife, friend, daughter, or sister, and see if that doesn’t fill you up with the lasting joy that God created you for.

Because he’s not finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.

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