Do your aging parents send you mixed messages? They ask for help one minute, and the next, they stop listening.
You’re not alone. This happens all the time between aging parents and their kids.
Parents welcome your concern because it makes them feel loved. But when your concern comes with too many questions and suggestions, those warm fuzzy feelings turn into annoyance.
What’s underneath this confusing push and pull when you’re only trying to help?
Are your parents just being stubborn? Or is something else going on?
How are you supposed to care for them when they resist or reject your offers to help?
What do your parents want? What do your parents need from you?
To find the answer to that question, it helps to understand what they don’t want.
In today’s episode, let’s talk about one thing your aging parents wish you would stop doing. And what to do instead. So you can both find more joy and connection in your relationship.
What Do Your Aging Parents Need from You?
I’m in a unique position to tackle this topic because, at the age of 65, I essentially am an aging parent, at least in the eyes of my kids. At the same time, I’m still learning how best to care for my parents, who are both in their 80s.
While this helps me see the perspective of both the parent receiving the care and the child trying to give it, it does nothing to simplify the age-old question: “What do my parents need from me?”
Because the answer is: “That depends.”
It depends on your family’s culture and traditions. Your personality type and the personality types of your parents. The distance you live from each other. You and your parent’s values. And dozens of different factors that make how you care for aging family members unique to you and your family.
There is no “one size fits all” way to give aging parents what they need. But there is one thing every parent-child relationship can benefit from as parents age.
Respect the Line Between Caring and Controlling
Some parents and adult kids have conflict-free relationships. Parents who clearly communicate what they need and adult kids who feel comfortable in their understanding and ability to help.
Then there are the rest of us.
We’re not sure what to do. So, when we see a problem that needs fixing, we step in with a solution without waiting to be asked. We feel great about helping until we realize our parent seems irked or starts avoiding our calls.
How can you fix this?
The first hard thing to know is that in this relationship – as in all relationships – you’ve got to focus on what you can do differently and not wait for the other person to change.
Your parents have spent a lifetime growing some very specific ideas about how they want to live. They’re often comfortable with the way things are and don’t see (or want to see) a problem.
That means that every time you see a spot in their lives that makes you think, “Oh! I could help them with that!” you’ve got to understand that what feels like a helpful, caring suggestion to you can feel to your parents like you’re stepping over a line.
Ask Yourself: Am I Trying to Be Caring? Or Am I Trying to Control the Situation?
Am I trying to do what’s best for my parent? Will this keep them safe, get them better healthcare, support a healthy lifestyle, make them more financially secure? Or any other thing you can think of that would make their lives better.
Or am I trying to take over because it would make my life easier if I didn’t have to worry about this anymore? It’s OK if the answer is both.
Because raising your awareness of what motivates you to take over for your parent is a step in the right direction.
Just know that the line between caring and controlling is the source of the tension you feel when you offer up an idea that sounds perfectly reasonable to you but gets a strong “NO, thank you!” from your parent.
So before launching into your plan for taking over a task that you think your parent is struggling with, talk to your parents about where the line is for them.
A great time to have that talk is the next time you feel the tension. Take a deep breath and lean into it by saying, “OK, I’m trying to help, but I’m hearing you say no thank you. Does that mean you feel like I’ve stepped over a line? Do you feel like I’m trying to take control?”
Stop Telling and Start Asking What Aging Parents Want
Learning to ask gentle questions instead of issuing orders encourages open communication and strengthens your relationship.
By asking aging parents what they want, you acknowledge their wisdom, preferences, and experience and the right they have to make decisions about their own lives, which is vital for their emotional well-being.
Listening to their preferences gives you a chance to work together, creating a sense of partnership rather than opposition. This helps ensure that decisions about their care, living arrangements, or day-to-day activities are mutually respectful and supportive.
Now, when I say we need to listen, I mean really listen without offering opinions or solutions until your parent is ready to hear them.
Are they on board with finding a solution to a problem they’re facing? Are they ready to act or consider making a change? Have they asked for your help?
Offer suggestions based on what they share with you and hold loosely to those suggestions.
Don’t be afraid to plant an idea, then step back and see what happens. You can always bring it up again later. Be patient and ready to talk through the options when your parent is ready to explore the subject again.
What if Parents Want Something That’s Not Possible?
When a parent shares something that they would love to do, but you know it’s outside the realm of reality for them, resist the impulse to dismiss the idea without going deeper.
Tap into the power of trying to understand why this particular thing feels so important to them. Encourage them to talk about it by saying, “Help me understand what that would mean to you,” and see where it leads.
As you start to untangle the deeper meaning behind your parent’s wishes, you may come up with other options. Sometimes, all they need is to be heard. To be able to talk about the sadness or frustration they feel over losing a part of their life that they aren’t happy about.
By giving your parents the gift of honoring hard transitions into a different season of life, you’ll help them feel like their hopes and dreams still matter and that you are on their side.
Shift the Focus from Aging to Engaging with Your Parents
You might think that as people age, they become more stubborn and difficult to get along with. You might even feel that happening to you! But this is about more than just aging.
To offer someone we love our full attention. To really listen to their hopes and dreams of who they are and how they want to live. To not make assumptions about their thoughts or feelings. To give them the respect and curiosity that fuels love and connection. These rules govern all good relationships in every stage and season of life.
Maybe most importantly, as we and our parents age.
You and your parents may not always agree about what’s best for them. But when you shift your focus from thinking that aging is a problem to be solved to engaging over the things that matter most to both of you, good things happen.
Your parents will feel loved and respected, and you’ll grow more confident that you’re caring for them well.
Then, when the question comes up again, “What do my aging parents need from me?” you’ll know the answer. Because you’ve spent time listening and learning, no longer assuming you already know or trying to figure it out on your own.
