Most of us have encountered at least one woman who seems nice at first, welcomes you into the fold of friendship, then subtly—or not so subtly—makes you start questioning yourself and wondering if you’re imagining things.
Things like being targeted for unkind or critical remarks. Or becoming the subject of gossip. Or learning that you’ve been excluded from an event where other friends were invited. Surely no one would do these things intentionally, right?
It’s hurtful and confusing. It can be downright infuriating.
It’s also a sign that you’ve stepped into the line of fire from a grown-up mean girl.
Join me on today’s episode, where we’ll talk about why some women are mean to other women and how you can respond in ways you’ll feel good about the next time you come face to face with a grown-up mean girl in your life.
What Happens When Mean Girls Grow Up?
Sometimes, mean girls grow up to be mean women.
Women who are mean to other women show up everywhere. At work, in your neighborhood, the gym, at church or even in your own family.
And while the problems they cause are thought to be more common in teens and young women, mean girls show up in every season of life. So, you, your daughter and your granddaughter will probably all encounter one at some time or another.
It stings to deal with a woman like this. And as I said, it can be downright infuriating when you don’t know how to respond.
Should you call her out on her bad behavior? Let it slide? Ignore it? Grin and bear it?
Well, that depends, doesn’t it? If she’s someone you work with or are related to, you need to figure out how to navigate the ongoing relationship. If not, you need to know when and how to step away.
Identifying Mean Girl Behavior
I once worked for a grown-up mean girl and had to make that decision.
She was a woman I admired who ran an organization that was doing good things in our community.
It was a part-time job – just a few hours in the mornings doing bookkeeping and scheduling that left my afternoons free to work on writing projects. I felt lucky to be a part of her crew and it went really well for the first few weeks.
Then something strange started happening. She would ask me to do things that seemed outside the role I’d been hired for.
Things like driving 40 minutes out of my way to pick up pastries from her favorite bakery on “my way to work.” Or having her husband show me how to remove a pipe under the sink to clear a blocked drain so I could take care of it the next time it happened. She even once asked me to trim the vines adjacent to the property to help prepare for an upcoming event.
You Wonder if You’re Reading Her Wrong
Now I know none of these things sound that awful. Well, except for the plumbing repair and tree-trimming. So okay, maybe kind of awful for someone whose job was to crunch numbers and keep the calendar organized.
But I’m not saying that I felt I was above doing what she asked. That’s not it. It was the way she told me what to do.
It was usually in front of other people and in a tone that left me feeling embarrassed and humiliated. After doing what she asked, I would skitter away with my head down back to my desk to get started on the actual work I’d been hired to do. Her dismissiveness toward me felt painfully obvious.
In fact, it felt like a test that I couldn’t pass to get through a gate that I couldn’t open. I only lasted a few months before I left, and the woman and I are no longer in touch.
Sometimes, I still wonder what went sideways between us. I think maybe I just misunderstood the job description. Maybe maintenance and housekeeping were part of my job. But if that was the case, why not just pull me aside and explain that? Instead of humiliating me in front of the team?
It’s even more confusing to know that she’s someone who is well-liked by many of the same people I like. Honestly, the memory makes me squirm and feel small all over again.
Not a good feeling! But I know it’s a feeling that many women are familiar with.
What Makes Women Behave This Way?
I think it’s helpful to take a quick look at what might cause some women to behave badly.
Not with the intention of making excuses for them, but to raise your awareness and understanding which I hope will also help you gain a healthy view of what’s happening between the two of you.
There are a lot of experts who weigh in on the behavior called “relational aggression.”
Relational aggression is behavior intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating their relationships with the intent to socially isolate while gaining personal status for themselves.
In less jargony terms, this means someone who wants to bring you down or take away what you have by making you look bad to others so she can gain or maintain her own status.
One idea is that from the time girls are young, they’re expected to be nice and praised for being sweet. As women grow, they’re discouraged from expressing the normal feelings of anger, fear, jealousy or hurt. Sometimes they’re even called names when they go directly after what they want. We’ve all heard the derogatory terms used for strong, successful women.
So, the thinking goes, these societal norms set women up to hide their true feelings and promote covert aggression. Then, to get ahead, these women develop complex ways to gain approval and elevate themselves, which sometimes means stepping on or over other women.
What Midlife Mean Girls Want
The midlife mean girl wants to feel strong, in control, and like she’s on top. She’ll use passive-aggressive behavior or downright sabotage to get there if she has to.
So, remember this: As personal as these attacks feel, it usually has less to do with you and more to do with the mean girl’s internal world and her desire to win.
Now, this is interesting in the world of social science, right? But how does it line up with what we learn about human nature in the Bible?
What Does the Bible Say?
In Scripture, this desire to best someone else by bringing them down is called envy or coveting what someone else has. In our illustration, that something is social standing.
It’s important to make the distinction that envy goes beyond jealousy. Jealousy is wishing you had what someone else has. Envy wants you to lose what you have. To punish and humiliate you for taking up the space she wants for herself.
Now we know that people who feel truly good about themselves, people who are secure in their position and identity don’t expend a ton of energy trying to knock others down.
So that leads to the question: What hurts are happening inside someone who feels so insecure or badly about themselves that they resort to hurting others in order to make themselves feel more powerful and in control?
Such a good question!
But here’s even better news: you don’t have to answer that question to start changing the situation.
That’s right! You don’t need to spend a lot of time trying to uncover the grown-up mean girl’s motives.
Simply knowing that hurt people hurt other people can help you step back and see that the actions of the mean girl in your life are about her, not about you.
You’re released from the dance of trying to please her while defending yourself. That frees you to choose what actions you’ll take to move forward.
How to Respond to Midlife Mean Girls Without Losing Your Cool
So now let’s get practical about those actions. What can you do the next time a mean girl shows up in your life?
Here are some things to try:
Remember Who You Are and Whose You Are
Start by reminding yourself that rejection is something done to you, not who you are.
Your identity is firmly rooted in the Kingdom of God. His opinion of you is the only one that matters. Your standing with him has nothing to do with your performance or what other people think or believe about you.
You can’t gain more status with Jesus. You’re in. You belong. You’re secure. There is zero need to jockey for position when you belong to the family of God.
Pray that God will help you see this truth about yourself and the situation from His perspective. Trust that sometimes rejection is God’s protection. He’s going to lead and guide you to the people He wants in your life.
Do a Gut Check
Next, take some time to reflect if there’s something going on inside of you that you’re being invited to change.
Let me stress that It’s important to do this without assuming you’re at fault in the situation. You’re not looking for something you can change to be more pleasing to the woman who has hurt you.
You’re looking for things that God might be bringing to your awareness through this situation so you can let those things go and grow into a better version of yourself.
For example, are you seeking approval? That’s what I think I was doing with the woman I worked for. I had to step back and ask why it mattered so much to me to gain her favor. It was humbling to realize that I’d been trying to stand out in her friend group instead of noticing the red flags.
Or maybe you’re struggling with people-pleasing, pride, a wounded ego, or unforgiveness? Is there something you’re being led to surrender that will lighten your load of worrying about what someone else thinks of you and set you on the path toward living with more joy and confidence?
Practice Empathy
Once you’ve gotten a clear picture of who you are and who you want to be, it’s time to tap into your empathy.
Start by acknowledging that we’ve all experienced feeling insecure and trying to figure out our position in a friend group or a group of colleagues. Be honest about the last time you felt that way and how you handled it.
Then, remember that a mean attitude and actions are often motivated by complicated feelings of anger, helplessness, loneliness, sadness, and struggle. Again, these feelings are not an excuse for someone to hurt other people but by being aware they might exist in the other woman, you can raise your empathy.
You could also think about what it must be like to be caught in a constant loop of comparing and competing. Imagine how exhausting it must be to always be gauging where you rank among the other women you interact with and how you can get on top.
Empathy ultimately boils down to trust. Trusting that acting from a place of empathy will lead to your soul feeling satisfied even if it causes temporary social pain.
Model Being an Ally to Other Women
Notice how small, everyday interactions begin to crack the facade of mean-girl culture among your friends and colleagues.
For example, the next time someone tries to pull you into gossiping about another woman, try saying something like, “I really try not to tear other women down. I try to build them up.” Then change the subject.
Let people know that your aim is to encourage and edify others – even those who would like to loop you into the negativity. This is especially helpful if the mean girl is someone you work with or a family member that you must continue to interact with.
Make it your mission to connect with people who spread joy instead of pain and be intentional about reaching out and including someone you know who feels left out.
Don’t let the opinions of others knock you off course. Resist returning blow for blow by keeping your eyes on what God is calling you to do. Ask Him to help you notice and stop playing the comparison game. Because when you stop responding to the mean girl, you take away her power to hurt you.
Change Things Up with Midlife Mean Girls
You can’t make another woman do or say or change anything. But you can learn how to handle midlife mean girls without losing your cool.
You can choose to remember who you are and look at what you’d like to do differently. You can practice empathy and model better ways to handle hurtful conversations between women.
And when your gut tells you that it’s best to step away from a mean girl in your life, you can do it knowing that you did all you could to handle the situation with grace and kindness while honoring your own boundaries and guarding your heart.
Remember, God isn’t finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.