What’s keeping you from asking for what you want in midlife?
You might think it’s because you’re not clear yet on what you want your next chapter to look like.
Or maybe you’re feeling a bit rusty when making requests for yourself after years spent taking care of others
You tell yourself that you’ll start asking for more when you grow more confident.
While it’s true that gaining clarity and confidence is incredibly important to asking for what you want, that’s not all that’s going on.
You’re also dealing with Resistance.
You see, our brains are wired to feel safe with what we know. So, Resistance pops up whenever we try to make a change or try something new outside our comfort zone.
And Resistance comes in a variety of shapes and sizes.
It can be external from family, friends and co-workers who like things just the way they are. And it can be internal in the form of procrastination, self-doubt, worry, and other unhelpful mindsets and habits that keep you doing what you’ve always done.
Resistance makes it very hard to ask for what you want.
The good news is that Resistance and asking are so closely linked that by making just a few changes to the way you ask, you can overcome Resistance – no matter where it’s coming from.
In today’s episode, let’s talk about 5 changes you can make in how you ask for what you want that will help you overcome Resistance and get the outcomes you’re looking for in midlife and beyond.
The Resistance is Real
I want to share a recent experience that inspired me to talk about Resistance and the role it plays in keeping us from asking for what we want.
I was at the gym trying to schedule a free training session that was part of my new membership. The young man helping me asked if I had any preferences for a trainer, and I told him yes, I’d like to work with a woman close to my age if there was anyone like that on staff. He assured me that there was and that I would love her.
I watched his brow scrunch up as he stared at his computer, then told me that particular trainer didn’t have any openings for a while. “That’s OK,” I told him. “I’m not in a hurry. I’d be happy to wait for her.”
He typed a few more things, then said, “OK, I can get you in this Thursday at 10am!” Confused, I said, “I thought you told me she wasn’t available right away.” He answered, “Oh, no, she’s not. This would be with another trainer. He’s one of our new guys. I think you’ll really like him.”
And there it was. Resistance getting in the way of asking for what I wanted.
Now, let me break this down a little bit because you might think I’m talking about the guy ignoring my request, and yes, he definitely threw some resistance up to what I was asking for.
But there was also Resistance happening inside of me.
I know this because when I took a deep breath to repeat what I wanted, I stopped and started to question myself. I thought, “Is this really that big of a deal? Couldn’t a “new guy” set me up on the gym equipment just as easily as a grown-up woman? Am I just being difficult?”
It took me a few beats to decide that no, “new guy” was not who I wanted.
So, I took another deep breath and said, “No, that won’t work for me. I want to wait and meet with the woman.”
He made another face and blew out with a heavy sigh, “She’s not available until November 4.”
I said, “Great! That works! What time should I be here?”
What’s Keeping You from Asking for What You Want?
How many times has this happened to you?
You want something. You politely ask for it, maybe even paid for it, and your request is ignored, overlooked, or poo-pooed to the point that you begin to think maybe you’re the one who’s being difficult.
You’re not. Asking for what you want does not make you difficult. Thinking that it does is just another form of Resistance.
You see, just like in my example, Resistance hits us with a double whammy.
Someone – in my case, a complete stranger, but it’s more often someone you know – or something – say a big life change – stands in the way of your goal.
Then, without even realizing it, your internal warning system is triggered, telling you that getting what you want is too hard, too much trouble, or would be best to put off for now.
This two-punch of Resistance is what keeps you from asking for what you want.
This is especially true for women who’ve been conditioned over a lifetime to care for the needs of others at the expense of caring for themselves. People-pleasers and peacemakers are easy targets for Resistance.
And there’s an added danger to letting Resistance win.
I didn’t learn until later in life that all of my good-girl, go-along-to-get-along moments were building up to a whole slew of unhealthy emotions.
What Happens When You Don’t Ask
The less I spoke up for what I wanted, the more the seeds of resentment, overwhelm, and frustration grew.
I kept doing what I’d always done because I held on to the belief that, eventually, my turn would come. That I just needed to wait a little longer.
Maybe until my kids were older and didn’t need me so much. Or until my husband’s business took off and he could be around more. Or until my next review at work when my boss might see that I deserved a raise.
But now, looking back, I understand that I didn’t need to bury my own wants and needs while I was taking care of my family or building my career. I could have avoided a whole lot of frustration and broken relationships by learning how to ask for what I wanted and being clear about what I needed.
If you’re familiar with feeling under-appreciated, ignored, or even angry about not feeling heard, you don’t have to wait another minute to change that.
Learning to ask for what you want starts by recognizing where Resistance is bubbling up and keeping you from speaking up. Then, mustering up the courage to ask anyway.
And that brings us to the secret sauce for overcoming Resistance. By making five small but significant changes to how you ask for what you want, you’ll get better at standing up to Resistance and having more successful conversations in no time.
5 Ways to Ask for What You Want that Reign in Resistance
Here are five ways to push back when Resistance tries to derail your efforts to ask for what you want in midlife:
1. Get clear on what you want (and what you don’t.)
Knowing what you want and why you want it is the first step in overcoming Resistance in all its forms.
You won’t get derailed when you experience pushback or questions. You won’t lose steam when met with apathy.
And when you get clear on what you want and brave enough to ask for it, you’ll free yourself from the negative baggage that comes with feeling overlooked or ignored.
When you aren’t clear about what you want, Resistance shows up as indecisiveness. And when you can’t decide on a course of action or path to take, it’s easy to get stuck and do nothing.
You can get unstuck by simply asking yourself: “What do I want?”
While yes, it’s a simple enough question, you might need someone to help you rediscover your truest self and begin to unfold what you really want, and that’s what I do when I work with women in my Blooming in the Middle Signature Program.
By getting back in touch with your most authentic needs, interests, and dreams, you’ll gain clarity that will fuel the actions you need to take to accomplish your goals.
A quick word about the flip side of knowing what you want. That is knowing what you don’t.
Setting healthy boundaries and learning how to say NO with grace and kindness clears the space taken up by things you don’t want in your life to make room for what you do.
Practice building up your “no, thank you” until you no longer feel like you need to make excuses for your no to simply mean no. More on that in a future episode.
2. Don’t rely on mind reading.
I can’t stress this enough, and I never run out of examples of how it plays out in conversations and relationships every day.
Here’s one from a young mom who was growing more and more frustrated with her husband because he would walk right by her, nursing the baby to get himself a glass of water.
She told me how hurt she was because he never brought her a glass of water too. When I asked if she ever asked him to get her a glass of water, she said, “He should just know I want one!”
If you’re hoping people will give you what you want when they have no idea what that is, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and giving Resistance much more power. Not to mention adding some serious stress to your relationships.
While some folks are more in tune with noticing the needs of others, we can’t hold that against the ones who need to be asked directly. Not if we want our relationships to stay healthy and free from building up resentment. And not if we want to overcome Resistance.
Stop relying on anyone’s ability to read your mind and start asking clearly for what you want.
3. Be specific.
You may have learned over time that it’s nicer to coat your requests in all kinds of flowery language or precede them with words like “maybe” or “if it’s OK with you.”
While your attempts to be gentle might feel less offensive to you, think about the last time someone wanted something from you but spent way too much time beating around the bush. Did you feel more or less agreeable to their request? Or did you feel a tiny bit manipulated?
Yes, be polite. Be kind and know the difference between asking and demanding.
But don’t bury your requests so deep in hints and confusing language that you leave others wondering what in the world you’re trying to say.
Get back to the clarity you have about what you want and simply ask. It’s not your job to manage the other person’s response. But they’re more likely to be open to discussing your request when they understand what it is you’re asking for.
4. Ditch the guilt.
Asking for what you want isn’t about being selfish. It’s about speaking up and stepping into the life God created you for. If you’re feeling invited to dream about your next step, you’re going to need to start talking about it.
This isn’t about being self-centered. It’s about trusting that God is leading you into your next chapter and wants to use your ideas, wisdom and experience to accomplish His purpose and plan for you.
So, when you have an idea or a suggestion that you don’t speak up about, it’s very much like hiding your light under that bushel we all sang about in Sunday school. Don’t do that!
Let your light shine by saying what’s on your heart.
Don’t let the enemy convince you that you should keep quiet to keep the peace or let others keep the spotlight all to themselves. There’s plenty of light to go around, and now is your time to let some of it shine on you.
There is no need to entertain, even for a moment, the burden of guilt you might feel for putting your needs out there.
And this is a good time to add that by speaking up, you’re setting an example for the younger women in your life to speak up for what they want, too.
5. Aim for progress, not perfection, in asking for what you want.
It takes courage and practice to change old habits and ask for what you want. Give yourself and the people around you time to adjust to your new way of asking.
You might start by telling them that you’re trying to be more honest about expressing yourself and clearly asking for what you want.
By letting them know you’ll be practicing how to say things, you’ll give them the space to understand that things are changing and there will probably be some missteps involved.
But if your goal is better communication, that’s good for both of you. Because you’ll be opening the door to hearing and accepting your most authentic selves. And that, friends, is the richest ground for relationships to grow in and your best weapon against Resistance.
It’s Time to Overcome Resistance and Ask for What You Want
When you ask yourself or the people around you to step into the unknown by trying something new, you’re upsetting the apple cart. Rocking the boat. Disturbing what science calls homeostasis. And homeostasis is quite comfortable with how things are, thank you very much.
But staying comfortable won’t get you where you want to go next.
By changing how you ask for what you want and practicing these five healthy habits, you can overcome Resistance and step into the next chapter God has waiting for you.
Because He’s not finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.
