Once your kids leave home, and you’re left wondering about your new parenting role, it’s easy to think it’s all about you and how you’ll fit into their new lives – but it isn’t.
It’s also tempting to believe that it’s all about them – that they’re in the driver’s seat now, so you’re free to sail off into the sunset. Also, not true if you want to stay connected and hope your kids will want that, too.
What is true is that both you and your adult child are entering a whole new season of life. And that means you’ll have to make adjustments to how you relate and communicate.
Sometimes those adjustments will feel awkward and uncomfortable.
But if you want happy, healthy connections after your kids leave home, you’ll need to lean into that discomfort and do your part to build new grown-up relationships.
Let’s talk about some practical ways to make that happen in today’s episode.
What Comes Next After Kids Leave Home?
I’ve heard a lot lately from empty nest moms who aren’t sure how to build healthy connections with their adult kids.
Some complain that they don’t see enough of their kids and want to know how to encourage more family time. Others quietly confess that they’re happy to have some room to breathe but think maybe they shouldn’t say so out loud.
A few wonder why their kids are making what seem to be “bad” choices in jobs, living situations, and relationships.
Still, others seem hard-pressed to say what their child’s plans are for the future because every time they bring it up, it causes arguments and hurt feelings, and they don’t really know why.
Changes are Happening on Both Sides of Your Relationship.
It can be confusing to figure out how to stay connected to your adult child. Does it help to hear that it’s often confusing for them, too?
That’s because changes are happening on both sides of your relationship. And the truth is that you don’t have a lot of control anymore over how your kids choose to interact with you. And that can make things feel awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.
What you can do is reflect on how you interact with them and then lean into the changes you can make to strengthen your bond.
To do that, it helps to ask a few questions. Questions that reveal where in your relationship it’s time to try something new.
The First Question to Ask is: Am I Trying Too Hard?
Our natural inclination to protect and care for our kids can spill over into adulthood. When that happens, a once healthy and necessary part of parenting becomes a not-so-helpful habit.
Now before you imagine me sitting in some lofty parenting tower dispensing this advice, please know that this way of parenting has my name written all over it.
I’m a natural-born problem solver. So, give me a problem that’s got one of my kids stumped, and I’ll have an answer along with a 5-point plan for action ready in minutes.
It makes me feel great. And, if I’m honest, indispensable.
But it makes my kids feel … well, let’s just say not so great. OK, the reality is that it annoys them. Especially when they didn’t ask for my help.
I’ve had to learn to keep my solutions to myself unless I’m asked. And even then, to put away the PowerPoint and spend more time listening than telling them what to do.
If you find yourself doing too much or trying too hard to smooth the way for your adult child, ask God to help you trust that He is in control of their lives – and always has been. So, it’s safe for you to give up the director’s chair, step back and watch how God works for their good.
While that might sound easier said than done, there are a couple of ways to calm your mama bear heart as you learn to let go. Again, speaking from experience here and as a coach to midlife moms who have learned a new way of responding when adult kids face problems.
How to Lean In While Letting Go of Your Adult Kids
Start by recognizing that sometimes nostalgia tricks you into seeing your children not as adults but as the dependent youngsters they once were.
Overcome that obstacle by noticing how your child demonstrates they can care for themselves.
Keep a journal if it helps, and jot down examples as they happen.
Give your child the opportunity to make mistakes, and don’t be quick to rush in with a fix. Focus on their ability to solve problems and offer to help only if asked.
Then instead of trying to keep up with every detail of their lives as you did when they were younger, ask your adult kids how you can pray for them now.
By sharing their prayer requests, they’re giving you a window into what matters most to them as grown-ups.
It may take time for them to feel comfortable with sharing their concerns with you, but keep asking and praying even when they aren’t specific.
Be respectful of their privacy, pray as you’ve promised, and be sure to follow up by asking how the struggle or challenge is going.
Ok, so you’ve decided to step back and give you and your adult kids the space you need to grow. What’s next?
Ask Yourself: Am I Listening to Understand?
When you think you know someone better than they know themselves, it’s hard to listen without jumping to conclusions based on a lifetime of experience.
But perhaps more important than in any other relationship, listening to understand is crucial to building strong bonds with adult kids.
This is because young adults are forming their own ideas about dozens of different things, and nothing feels worse than having thoughts or feelings dismissed simply because they’re different or unexpected.
So, take a deep breath and welcome conversations about new ideas. Try not to take it personally when your beliefs and opinions are challenged.
Ask God to give you generous portions of empathy and patience, then try to stay curious and positive as you listen to hear your child’s perspective. Remember, you don’t have to agree to be a good listener.
Listen to yourself as well. Are your words encouraging or critical?
Be sensitive that sometimes loving suggestions or advice sounds like criticism. Try to hear what your child hears.
And again, don’t offer opinions unless asked, and then tread lightly. Asking gentle questions like, “What are your thoughts about that?” or “What have you tried so far?” will build more bridges than any sentence that begins with the words “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…”
Now it’s time for a transformative question.
Ask Yourself: What Could I Do Differently?
We all make parenting mistakes. It’s a simple yet unavoidable fact of life. The important thing is learning what to do differently next time.
Think of every interaction as a chance to gather more information about what works best between you and your adult child, then make the necessary adjustments.
If you recognize that you’ve overstepped a boundary, be quick to apologize. But remember that an apology doesn’t mean much unless it’s followed by action.
So, explain what you’ll do differently the next time to rebuild trust. If you aren’t sure how to make it right, ask them, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”
Work hard to keep an open dialogue about expectations. It’s okay to be honest about hurt feelings or disappointments as long as your child knows they can do the same.
Finally, perhaps the most important question you can ask yourself is this:
As My Role Changes, Who Will I Be?
When you fill a family role, like Mom, you pour your energy into all the things that have got to be done to keep your people fed, clothed, and ready. Ready for the game, for exams, ready to drive, ready for their first date, ready for college, ready for life.
It’s a role you likely embraced with enthusiasm, love, and devotion.
But you get into trouble when you allow your identity to be defined too closely by a role you play. Even the role of mom. Because when kids grow up and that role changes, you might find yourself wondering who you are and where you belong.
This is more than just an empty-nester problem. It’s human nature to see ourselves in relationship to the people we care about. But other people – no matter how much they mean to you – do not define who you are.
Your true identity comes from just one place: God, who created you for a great big life – before, during, and after the heavy-lifting years of parenting.
Leaning Into Your Next Chapter is Good for You and Your Adult Kids
You might be wondering what makes discovering what’s next for you such an important part of building connections with your adult kids.
Well, just as you want what’s best for them, they want to know you’re happy and whole even when they’re no longer the center of your world.
If you’d like to explore any of these questions more deeply, I’d love to help. Shoot me an email at jody@nullbloominginthemiddle.com or visit the Blooming in the Middle website to find out how we can work together to help you lean into this new season of life.
And tune in next time when I’ll be talking about four practical ways to brainstorm the second-half life you want. A life filled with strong and healthy relationships with your adult kids and all the people you care about and the new future God has waiting for you.
Because He’s not finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.
