Holidays look different in your empty nest, but they don’t have to lose their magic. Here’s how to enjoy the holidays with your adult kids.
If you’ve got adult kids, you already know how quickly holiday spirits can sag when you start trying to figure out how to accommodate everyone’s schedule and expectations in this empty nest season of life.
And if those adult kids have families of their own, making holiday plans can start to feel like a negotiation between countries trying to reach a treaty.
OK, maybe not that bad. But when you’ve put years into creating meaningful holiday traditions that your family enjoys, it can be disorienting to realize that things won’t be the same this year.
Is it any wonder that these special days can seem to lose their luster?
I’m here to share that they don’t have to.
In today’s episode, let’s talk about how to keep spirits bright when life looks different inside your empty nest.
Adjusting to Holiday Changes in Your Empty Nest
The first holiday I had to share my kids with other people came long before they were adults.
After their dad remarried, it nearly broke my heart to send them off to eat a turkey dinner or open gifts with people who were strangers to me but newly acquired extended family to them.
I had a choice to make. I could get angry, pout, complain, or try to demand that we keep doing the holidays as we always had. Thanksgiving dinner with long-time family friends. Christmas Eve at church, followed by a cozy dinner at home. Christmas morning, opening gifts, then enjoying a lazy day together.
But deep down, I knew I had to figure out my feelings about our changing holidays if I wanted those holidays to still feel magical instead of stressful for all of us.
Because no matter how badly I wanted things to stay the same, the truth was that those days were gone. We were living a whole new holiday reality.
My sadness, anger, frustration, and annoyance about that new reality could have sunk our little tribe, so I had to learn how to navigate the holidays differently.
Learning to Do Empty Nest Holidays Differently
Little did I know that what I learned when my family changed all those years ago would serve me well now in this new chapter of life called an empty nest.
Fast forward to three grown-up kids, each with a significant other. Each of those new family members with their own traditions and expectations for where and how they will spend the holidays.
While it might not be as complicated as negotiating a treaty between countries, learning how to celebrate the holidays with adult kids, their partners, their partner’s parents, and extended family members coming out of the woodwork takes patience and, at times, the skill of a diplomat.
Here’s how I’ve learned to manage this delicate balancing act and how you can, too.
Start With What Matters Most
What makes the holidays so special is how they bring your loved ones together to celebrate the season.
So, before you do anything else, take some deep breaths and remember that what matters most during the holidays or any time of year is your relationships with the people you care about.
I get it. You want to spend as much time together as you can because you love being with them at this time of the year, especially! I mean, can the holidays even be the holidays unless that happens?
But if you don’t take time for reflection and self-awareness, your love can suffocate adult kids who are trying to create new holiday traditions of their own.
Try to notice when family events that are meant to fill the holidays with joy begin to feel like stressful obligations that your kids agree to just so “mom’s feelings won’t be hurt.”
When that happens, even your most earnest attempts to host a happy holiday can quickly cause friction with adult kids who are navigating conflicting schedules and new obligations.
So when you feel that friction bubble up, the most loving response is to practice patience, understanding and flexibility.
Your flexibility will go a long way toward making your people feel good about spending time with you – not only during the holidays but in everyday life, too.
One way to be flexible that I found really helps is to
Think Bigger Than a Square on the Calendar
You see, the more pressure you put on family members to do the things you want to do within a specific 24-hour period that we call the holiday, the more those things will feel like something to endure rather than an invitation to enjoy.
When I embraced the reality that we’re free to celebrate a holiday whenever we like, it felt like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Without the pressure to fit everything into one 24-hour period, the holidays lit up for me again.
Once I broke away from thinking there was a time limit on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or whatever we’re celebrating, it helped me also expand my idea of what the celebration could look like for us.
Then, it felt natural and even exciting to open up the party to the new people in my kid’s lives.
New friends and family members now gather every holiday and bring with them their own traditions and ideas for how to make things festive.
Our holidays have gone from being small guarded affairs to a gathering of all kinds of personalities and differences. Instead of shrinking to fit my old expectations, they’ve expanded to something new.
Staying flexible and open to change is a gift you give yourself and your kids when trying to make all the holiday pieces fit together.
Now, how can you do that?
It starts by having honest conversations about holiday preferences, expectations, and what’s most important to everyone, including those new extended family members that your kids are trying to accommodate.
Talk About Holiday Expectations in Your Empty Nest
The Golden Rule here is if you haven’t talked about it, it’s not fair to expect it. Even traditions that seem to happen without thinking are subject to review once your kids move out of the nest.
Having unmet expectations is poison for families during the holidays. So don’t do that. If you’re expecting something to happen, ask.
It’s as easy as asking: will you want to help decorate the tree or have our cookie-baking party this year?
Now, be sure to make this a two-way conversation. I’m not saying you simply ask your kids what they want, give it to them, and give up your own ideas.
No, this is the time to speak up and make your preferences known, too. At the same time, keep in mind that there’s an expanding cast of characters who all have their ideas about what makes the perfect holiday.
When you offer to be flexible, be honest that you expect the same in return. The goal here is to reach a solution that (mostly) works for everyone.
Now, it’s important as you’re asking to
Serve Invitations Without a Side of Guilt
What do I mean by that?
Let family members know that invitations are freely given without strings and without guilt if the answer is “no.”
It’s best to prepare your heart to hear “no thank you” because the reality of life with grown-up kids is that their obligations may exceed the amount of time they have to spend with you.
So make sure they know that you would love to spend as much time together as they can spare but that you understand those other obligations also have to be met.
By letting them know you understand their dilemma, you’re releasing them from the stress of trying to make you and everyone else happy. And is there any better gift than that?
Now, what about you? Inside that empty nest of yours and maybe with some extra time on your hands? Well, what a great time to
Start a New Empty Nest Holiday Tradition or Two
You see, it’s easier to stay flexible and positive when you have something to look forward to. That might be a family tradition that everyone is on board for, like that tree decorating party or all-day cookie baking.
But it can also be something brand new. Maybe just you and your spouse or some close friends try out a whole new holiday experience. A concert, a play, go ice skating. Make it your own special gift to one another that doesn’t depend on the kids being involved.
Or you might decide to take off during the holidays. Avoid the quiet house altogether.
Visit out-of-town family or friends. Take a trip to a wintery spot you’ve always wanted to see. Or go the opposite way and check yourself into a sunny resort by the ocean somewhere.
Mixing things up with something entirely different will create new memories and give your heart a break from missing the old.
Keep Spirits Bright Inside Your Empty Nest
While things may look different inside your empty nest, that doesn’t mean the holidays have to lose their magic.
By keeping an open heart and an open mind, you can navigate the holidays differently and keep spirits bright for both you and your family as you step into this new season.
One last thing I want to add is this: if you’re struggling with sadness or overwhelming emotions this holiday season, know that you’re not alone, and it’s OK to ask for help.
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional for support. Please remember, this podcast is not intended to provide medical advice—it’s here to offer understanding and encouragement.
If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need some encouragement this season, too.
Until next time, remember, God’s not finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine!
