It seems like the voices of “should” are everywhere, especially this time of year:
I should get in better shape.
I should save more money.
I should finally get organized.
I should . . . well, the list goes on and on, doesn’t it?
And if you’re someone who likes to get stuff done, it’s easy to let those “shoulds” take over when planning the days and months ahead,
But what if, instead of piling on the shoulds, we approached goal-setting differently?
What if we focused less on what we “should” do and more on what we feel God inviting us to do?
Because life doesn’t have to be about fixing ourselves; it can be about honoring who we are and who God is calling us to become.
In today’s episode, let’s talk about why midlife is a great time to say goodbye to “should” so you can say hello to more joy right now.
Waking Up to the Shoulds Running Your Life
Does this ever happen to you?
The alarm goes off, and the first thoughts breaking through sound something like this:
I’m still tired. I should have gone to bed earlier.
I need to go to the gym. I should have set the alarm for earlier.
I want to eat something healthy for breakfast. I should have gone to the grocery store yesterday.
And the “should” train is off and running.
Never mind that many of the things I “should be doing” compete with one another for my time and energy.
I should read more. I should sleep more.
I should move more. I should be still more.
I should spend more time alone in prayer. I should spend more time serving others.
No, I ignore this conundrum and optimistically think of each thing I should be doing as a bright and shiny opportunity to finally get life right.
Sound familiar?
If you’re like me, it doesn’t take long before the “shoulds” that invade your thoughts can start to hijack your goals and run your life.
Why Midlife is the Right Time to Say Goodbye to Should
When we allow “should” to run the show, we default to goals we think we “should” be focused on instead of setting mindful goals and intentions.
Midlife is a great time to examine the “shoulds” you’ve been dragging around and decide if you’re ready to let them go. That’s because life is changing. You may have more time and you probably have different priorities.
So what if, instead of allowing the bossy “should” voice inside to keep piling on expectations, you approached your life and goals with grace and curiosity?
What if you shifted your thinking and allowed yourself to set goals and intentions that align with your values and spark joy rather than adding to an already overwhelming list of all the things you believe you should be doing?
Living a Life of “Should” Can Be Exhausting!
Allowing “should” to rule your life is an exhausting way to live. And not very productive when you look at how many people abandon their freshly minted goals just a few weeks into the new year.
Your life doesn’t have to run on “should” anymore. There’s a better way. And there are some very good reasons to make a change now in midlife – a time when you have more room and more opportunities to get stuff done.
Here’s why saying goodbye to “should” is the first step toward a happier you in midlife and beyond.
We Can’t Do All the Things We Should
Not in one day, anyway. It’s just not possible. And no new-fangled planning tool or time management system is going to change that.
This was a hard truth for me to accept. As proven by the sheer number of day planners I’ve tried that are currently sitting in a closet somewhere.
As an eternal optimist and an Enneagram Type 3 – the Achiever – I want so badly to believe that I can get more done than I’m doing. No matter how much that is!
Trust me when I say that this kind of “can-do” attitude works to some extent, but in the end, it only sets me up for feeling like I’m falling short. Here’s why:
When we let the “shoulds” take over our lives, every day ends with a list of things that didn’t get done. Things you didn’t accomplish. Things you tell yourself that you should try harder to do tomorrow.
It doesn’t take long for the seeds of discouragement to take root. And for some of us, “I didn’t do enough” can quickly morph into “I am not enough.” And that simply isn’t true.
Beating yourself up for not getting enough done is not the path to success.
Getting Real About How Much “Should” Be Possible
We need to be realistic about the amount of time and energy we have to invest each day. And instead of chasing after “should,” find the things that matter most to God.
How do we do that? It starts by asking some questions:
Where is He inviting you in? What opportunities is He placing before you?
Instead of asking, “What should I be doing?” give yourself permission to ask, “What are the possibilities I can choose from today?”
Let God guide your choices. Of course, there will still be plenty of tasks on your to-do list that must get done – we do live in the real world, after all. But by setting aside your list of “shoulds,” you’ll make room for things God is inviting you to do.
And that makes room for joy.
“Should” is a Midlife Joy Thief
When everything you do is motivated by what “should” be done, you miss out on something special. The sheer joy of doing something not because you “should” but because you’re following the spark God has placed in your heart.
Nothing brings more joy than living into the things God has designed you to do. And discovering what those things are in the second half of life? It’s absolutely life-giving.
When you do, you not only step into your truest and most authentic life, but you bring God glory by following His plan for you.
I don’t know about you, but I find that way more inspiring and sustainable than any to-do list of “shoulds” that I can come up with on my own.
What hopes and dreams has God placed in your heart? And what gifts, talents, and resources has He poured out to help you make those things a reality?
Don’t let “should” rob you of the joy that comes from responding to God’s
invitation to do something unique, beautiful, and meaningful.
There’s one more reason to say goodbye to “should”:
“Should” Damages Relationships
When we live our lives guided by “shoulds,” it’s easy to project onto others what they “should” be doing, too. And that ruins relationships.
Because “should” often implies judgment and unmet expectations.
That can lead to the other person feeling defensive, shamed, and less valued in the relationship. Even if your intention isn’t meant as a criticism, letting “should” invade your relationships puts pressure on others to conform to your standards. Rather than loving and accepting them just as they are.
So, the next time you feel “should” bubbling up in a conversation with someone, try talking about how you feel rather than what they should do differently.
Here’s an example. Instead of saying, “You should spend more time with me,” try this: “I’d like to spend more time together. How can we make that happen?”
Remember, your partner, kids, co-workers and friends are all dealing with their own internal bully telling them what they “should” be doing. So, instead of piling on, think of ways you can help each other get rid of that word and start working together toward a common goal that you both value.
It’s Time to Stop Piling On and Say Goodbye to Should
As we set goals for the days and months and years ahead, let’s ask God to show us a better way to live.
Not by trying to do everything we think we should be doing. But by listening for His invitation. Watching for opportunities He sets before us. And stepping into each day with more peace and greater joy as we trust God to guide us toward the things that matter most.
Commit to the Lord all that you do, and He will establish your plans. (Proverbs 16:3)
If you know someone who’s trying to live under the weight of too much “should,” please share this episode and let her know there’s a better way.
Until next time, remember . . . God’s not finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine!
